In any business (or just life in general), there will be times when one loses a client/customer or other person in their life. When it's supposed to be business, loss can happen through several means, most of which ends up being due to relocation or simply financial motivations. It's a bit different when they pass away.

Mr. Armstrong was one of the liveliest people I ever knew. Unable to walk, he got around on a motorized wheelchair that he never quite got the hang of...(with new marks on the walls and doors every time I visited to prove it). He was a crude-mouthed, stuttering, (rightfully) proud black man with a great history and even greater sense of humor. I always enjoyed my visits, even if they were supposed to be business. I invariably would end up altering the figures in his favor when calculating an invoice. Oh, he had the money...but that's irrelevant. I enjoyed myself too much to bill for the whole time. Businessmen may cringe at that, but I couldn't help it...it's innate with me.

Last time I saw him, he was telling me about the new prosthetic he was working to get. His inability to walk was due to missing his right leg below the knee. The prosthetic he had was well-made, but too heavy for him. The new one was supposed to be much lighter...he was so excited about it. Fate, it seems, had other plans.

I knew he'd gone to the hospital a few times this year for various things...and I knew he'd gone back in since I saw him last. The times I knew he was scheduled to go in, I asked him to call me once he was out, just to check in. I suppose when I didn't hear back from him about being released, I might have called to check in, but you know how life is...always getting in the way.

One of the greatest gifts my job affords me is to get to know the people I'm helping. Yeah, I get paid...but that's just a formality and means to live. I'm still helping. Getting to know them adds a depth to the work that you can't get in some tech shop behind closed doors. Although this leaves me more open to pain of loss, I feel it's more than worth the time spent. I wouldn't change it for anything.

Mr. Armstrong, and his saint of a wife, demonstrated quite effectively that living a good life isn't about living without hardship. It's about simply living as best you can, doing it with a smile, and sharing it with others whenever possible.

He will be greatly missed.

----------------
Now playing: Alice in Chains - Whale & Wasp
http://foxytunes.com/artist/alice_in_chains/track/whale_wasp

Ok, I'm the first to admit that the last thing I should be doing while drinking is posting on LiveJournal where my free-flowing thoughts can be read by "God-knows-who" (well, other than those I KNOW read this), but despite being at home, alone, nearly 30 and still single, having had a frustrating week so far, and barely scraping by for the moment (a client's check was returned today...not sure if it was bounced or canceled...can't get in contact with them yet)...I'm feeling pretty damn good. It's really weird. Then again, I know when my mood really changed...and it couldn't be much more "out there".

I tend to watch a lot of "fan-subbed" anime online. It's generally the stuff you can't get here in the states without ordering it from Japan, sans subtitles (let alone dubbing). Copyright issues aside (that's for another post entirely, and a highly debatable viewpoint, I'll admit), it's one of the greatest ways I have of learning about, of all things, myself. Let me explain...

Most of the anime I watch, despite it being varied, carries with it some sort of "moral lesson", much like the kids shows here in America...but without the idiotic dialogue and bad animation. The difference is, it's not just handed to you at the end of some story where everyone sits around and reflects on what they learned...it's an experience right to the end. The best ones keep you guessing even after it's over...and the more you think, the more things beyond the anime itself make sense. I realize I'm probably making very little sense myself, but I'm trying.

Ok, for starters, let's go with the one I'm watching now, "Dragonaut: The Resonance". I've only seen 6 episodes, but instead of watching the 7th (as much as I want to), I'm here, explaining to pretty much a whole 3 people (that I know for sure) about why I was cheering (quietly...it's late) and tearing up over a non-critical, non-emotional scene. I guess I should mention what this consisted of, yeah?

I won't bother going into details (as there's a lot...and little of it is relevant), but two of the characters are lounging around after an encounter with their "enemy" (not a bad guy, just the one they're after). They were talking about "destiny" and "fate". Here's the important bit...

The female, who is more unsure of herself in terms of her existence (she's not technically human, btw, but that's only mildly relevant). She actually caught up with her opponent and was able to get into a dialog. She learned a lot about what they were and why they existed. The conversation she's having with her comrade afterwards brings those subjects back up and she starts saying something very familiar. It's something I've believed myself for a very long time.

She asks if he (being said comrade) knows the difference between "fate" and "destiny". As soon as I read that line, I found myself paying very close attention...because I knew where she was going with it. She asked him "you do know the difference, right? What is fated cannot be changed, but one's destiny can..."

I know this sounds bizarre, but I leaned back and laughed...with a couple tears running down. Here's my belief, of many years, in my own words: "Fate is things that are meant to happen, or people one is meant to meet, and will, no matter what...destiny is where one ends up based on how they act and react to those fated events or meetings. Fate is solid, unchangeable...but it only applies to very specific things. Destiny is fluid, always changing. Destiny is what you make of it. You cannot avoid Fate...what's meant to happen...what needs to happen, but your destiny is yours alone to forge however you wish. It all depends on your choices."

To hear my own thoughts on such a thing spoken aloud (in Japanese...though subtitled) is like having affirmation of everything I believe. It's the feeling that I'm not alone in my thoughts and beliefs.

It sometimes gets lonely here in the middle...or "on the fence" as many might put it. I'm a moderate (ok, slightly right of center, but still) in terms of politics, despite my disgust with the whole arena, and I'm agnostic in my more "spiritual" beliefs.

I know many people say agnostics are just playing "neutral", or compare us to atheists (which I really hate), but the fact is, I'm not saying "show me proof of God's existence", I'm of the thought that one CANNOT prove it. It's neither meant to be proven, nor should it be. Unlike the average atheist (in my experience), I can respect someone with belief in "God" (in the Catholic sense) as a faith of the heart. The true-believers are the ones who explain themselves and take pride in their faith without trying to force it upon those who feel differently. I've met Christians, Jews, etc. that have nothing but my respect because they are well willing to educate others who want to know, but don't harass those who don't. I'm actually fascinated by those who follow a faith because it's what they feel in their heart. I feel a connection to those people, because I feel just as strongly in my own. My biggest point in how I feel is that I'm not claiming to be right. The fact is, my whole philosophy on theology is that "we don't know for sure, and never will, because the whole truth cannot (or, maybe better to say "is not meant to") be known by humans". Think of it this way: If you took "God's word" and wrote it down, there are many things that happen between "His" (the masculine used simply for convenience) will forging the concept and the human that writes it down.

The biggest thing here is the most important, I believe. Human error. This can be something as simple as a typo or something as complex as an entire re-interpretation of the words. Something tells me that if the Bible were written in modern times, the stone slabs (or whatever would have been used) would be in the care of a start-up law firm who just happened to get lucky. They'd read the words and realize that most people would read this and think something totally different than the person next to them. In order to make the "commandments" work, they'd need to be spelled out. These lawyers would interpret "God's word" in their own perception and write a 300-page (perhaps more) document detailing what exactly "thou shalt not kill" really means...just in legal-ese. Although the "commandments" could be enforced, it would mean knowing someone who'd studied these "laws of God" and knew the intricacies. Could you imagine "theologian lawyers" at your church? I mean, consider...confession would be taken by an attorney assigned to your case. This person would hear your plea. They'd hold council with their peers to discuss how "God's law" relates to this. When they returned, half the time they'd say "well, God really doesn't seem to care, according to the "law" he set down...so, I guess you're free to go. Your very generous donation is much appreciated...we'll send you the bill in a week or so."

Admittedly, I know very little about the Catholic church, so if this is really want does happen, please understand this is just the ramblings of someone who knows too little, but thinks too much.

I want to reiterate that I'm not bashing anyone here...just thinking (a bit drunkenly and very tiredly) about what that could be like. Honestly, had I not stopped there, my head would be hurting right now. Lawyers in a church...OF the church...specifically translating and interpreting the "word of God" in modern legal-ese...(it just seems wrong, doesn't it?).

I will be the first to admit that I'm more than slightly rambling right now. What sucks is that it took about half that bottle of sake (maybe more) to give me a buzz, though I know darn well that I was feeling the effects LONG before then. I love sake...but it's a VERY different "drunk" than beer, wine, or shots. The results are the same, but the feeling is quite different.

Just to calm those who might take issue with me drinking...a lot...alone...let me assure you that not only am I in a pretty darn good mood, I've also been staying fed and hydrated! I've had no less than 8oz of (filtered) water after every 2 (small) bottles of sake. I've been saying for a while now..."Never underestimate proper hydration!" I know what hangovers are like...and I know how to avoid them. If you're gonna drink, make sure you get some water in there! Since I learned that little lesson, I've never had a hangover.

Ok, yawning now. This means the buzz is fading...always a downer (regarding energy). I'm still in a good mood, so I should sleep well.

As for the decision to drink alone, not much choice. Most people I know are either busy (the latest Indy debuted at midnight) or lack transportation. Anyway, when I'm alone, I tend not to get quite as loud (smile, Kim) and I tend to think a lot more. Although that's been dangerous in the past, I haven't had a "bad" drunk it a LONG time. By "bad" drunk, I mean depressed or some such. I've pretty much left my "depressed drunk" self behind and embraced the "happy drunk". It's much more fun. Heck, my Dad's a "silly drunk" who will laugh at just about anything on a little 151 or Legavulin.

I'm actually more an "introspective" drunk when alone. Again, in the past that tended to be disastrous, but I've long since outgrown that kind of thinking (THANK GOD).

At any rate, I'm half asleep now. I'll watch a bit more of Dragonaut tomorrow. I'm about ready to crash. Time to brush teeth and pass out. Here's hoping for a clear-headed morning...(right, as if I'm not about to spend another hour editing this...as usual.)

It wasn't pretty, but I passed! I'm not gonna lie and say I aced it...it really does deal with a lot of things I don't generally handle, but I did well, considering! I'm now officially a Microsoft Certified Professional.

Now, it's time for a well-deserved break. (Ok, so maybe I didn't really bust my butt studying, but I haven't had time! At least I don't have to worry about it quite so much as that was the last exam for this term, which ends at the end of May.)

*sigh*

Well, I need to decide how to celebrate! I should buy something...

Whatever. I'm happy. :)

Ok, I'm off to take the Microsoft XP Professional Administration certification exam. The idea is to see what it's like, brush up on the stuff I'm still missing, and go back again before May 9. With luck, I won't need to take it again, but...we'll see.

I don't intend to fail...I'd like to pass the first time through...but either way, I just need to get it done. I should have done this last month. Oh well.

Wish me luck!

Ask a man how many hours he works in a day, the number varies...but it's usually in the 40-hour range. Me? I work about an hour or two every month.

WHAT?!?!?!

Yeah, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, etc...THAT is work. What I do for a living? If you love what you do that much, how can you really call it work?

I really do love my job. :)

3 clients in one day...and shop "work" for 2 more...

Everyone's happy...how can I not be?

I almost wish a genuine "thank you" really WOULD pay my bills...because I'll accept those all day long with no guilt. Too bad money always enters into it. It's not that I feel guilty about charging, it's that I feel like I just said "your sister's gonna LIVE!!" and just as the happy tears start, I hand them a bill. It's just such a killjoy. Necessary, but still...

I know I'll never get rich doing this...at least not the way I do things (meaning honest), but I know I can sleep at night knowing I did right by those that are relying on me.

Now...if only getting my coursework done and cleaning house was as energizing...

(The music is just what I happen to be listening to on Pandora...but damn, it's good! It's basically instrumental - as in no lyrics - Celtic/metal hybrid. Great stuff. It's a bit bizarre...like "happy-go-lucky-thrash"...which, in terms of music, is somewhat of an oxymoron, yet it works! Oh, boy does it work!)

Wow...things have been busy lately! I've had a slew of new clients between my advertising efforts and client referrals. It's a REALLY nice feeling to know people trust me and believe in my abilities. It sure helps boost my self confidence. :)

Money is, as always, an issue...but with business going as it has, it's less of one than usual. I'm just hoping this up-trend continues. I know that there will be slow times...that's true in any business...but I'm looking to keep those as short as possible. Ideally, those times would coincide with my travel plans...

I still need to visit my parents. I'm not sure how long my grandmother has left, but whenever that is, it'll be too soon. I'm sure she might disagree...she's had a wonderful, fulfilling life from what she's told me. I just need to go back up and visit. It's not like it's that expensive, and it need only be a couple days. In any event, I'll figure it out. I'm overdue for a visit up North.

(btw..next person to call me "Yankee" who isn't from outside North America gets a fork-stab to the head. Ok, not literally, but you get my drift.) :p

Picked up "Rock Band" for PS2 the other day. I wanted to wait and get it for Xbox 360 or PS3, but that would mean actually buying a new, EXPENSIVE console first and the game itself is already really $$$. I figured, by the time I had the new HDTV, console, HD cables, and game, the sequel (so far unannounced) will probably have already been out for several months. So, instead of wishing I could get the better version, I broke down and picked it up. It did help that one of my best friends, whom I got hooked on "Guitar Hero", offered to pay for half, since he's over here often enough anyway. SWEET!!!

Well, it's a LOT of fun. I'm pretty good on "guitar" and "bass" (though my friend usually takes bass, so I haven't played that part much), and not too bad on "drums" despite they layout of the drum controller being slightly different than a real drum set (of which I have a real one - a Yamaha electronic set...the oldest, cheapest one around, but still the real deal). The only aspect of the game I'm wholly unfamiliar with is the vocals. The game comes with a USB microphone. I checked out the tutorial today, passed after having to try a second time, and decided to give it a try.

Well, I doubt I'll be hitting any karaoke bars real soon, but I think I did ok, considering my lack of any training, human feedback, or whatever. Honestly, it's impossible to really hear oneself sing, though, when you have a "competing" vocal track within the game. It can be turned down, but why the HELL would I want to hear ONLY my own voice???? That's kind of a scary thought...still not brave enough to try that, even alone. The potential for self-inflicted agony is too great. It's fun, but I'm still too new at it. It doesn't help that the crazy weather lately has my throat kind of screwy, but that's nothing new. I just turn the mic volume down and the in-game vocal track up to drown out the failures. It's strange...I got a really good score singing Foo Fighters, but suffered an "Epic Fail" on Metallica. Go figure. I guess my voice just isn't METAL enough. No surprise there, really.

I'm really looking forward to next month when some friends of mine are going to host a "Rock Star Party" of sorts revolving around 2 PS2s, every version of Guitar Hero available, and Rock Band (supplied by me). I can't wait for everyone to pick up and play. Since I can't seem to find any friends that play instruments and like to jam (not that I'm particularly good, mind you), this is the next best thing.

I watched the "documentary" videos on the game disc. It's basically mini interviews with the crew of Harmonix, the game's developer. They didn't mention Guitar Hero for obvious reasons, despite having basically invented this style of game with GH 1&2, but they are no longer published by Red Octane, so they can't talk about it. GH3 is good, but it does miss some of the feel from the original games, as is so often the case when a franchise changes developers. I don't even know who made GH3...only that it wasn't Harmonix. In any event, the videos really give you a feel for what it's like to do what they do and why. Rock Band really is a labor of love for these guys and it shows. They got next to no credit for the Guitar Hero series, as Red Octane slapped their name all over the box, all but neglecting to mention who actually MADE it. With Rock Band, they made sure everyone knew it was THEIR baby. I don't blame them! As popular as these games have become, they deserve the credit AND the money that goes with it.

I'll tell you...surprised the CRAP out of me to find out EA (Electronic Arts) was distributing it...you'd never know just glancing at the huge box it comes in. That's a first...any game EA puts out usually has their logo emblazoned all over the box and game disc. This time, it's just a little "EA" inside a guitar-pick-shape. White on black. I've NEVER seen them do that. I'd say Harmonix has some real sway now. In this age of electronic entertainment, that's power you can't buy...just ask Microsoft!

Anyone not afraid to try something new and isn't repelled by all things "Rock", I'd suggest stopping by a local Best Buy (or anywhere that has Rock Band set up) and give it a go. Try the tutorial to learn the basics, but try it. You might be surprised!

At any rate, it's late and I'm pooped. Long, productive day with happy clients, high scores, and just an overall feeling of accomplishment. I'd say it was a good day.

Here's hoping for another one!

Ok, so maybe half past midnight isn't really the best time to be doing this...since I tend to take a couple HOURS to get one finished...BUT...

The past couple weeks have been really cool. I mean, it sucks that my normal Wed. night D&D game was canceled for the month, but it really worked out. It allowed me to attend a musician's meetup group in the area I'd joined last year, but could never attend...because it's on a Wednesday. I met some cool people there and was actually put on the spot unexpectedly. Get this: people actually heard me sing! Ok, before anyone actually dies of shock, let me explain.

I'm always singing along in the car or even in my apartment, so it just seemed natural to do so at the little jam session that formed from the meetup (2 of the attendees were band mates and got some actual songs going). During a Tom Petty song ("An American Girl", I believe), I started singing along. There was an acoustic and electric guitar playing, one of them singing (he fronts a Cheap Trick tribute band) with a few others around chiming in. Suddenly, I realize that, although the music was still playing, there was only one set of vocals to be heard...MINE! The guitarist/singer that had been leading the charge was looking right at me, expecting me to finish it. I instantly turned beet red (or so I would imagine), but kept going for a bit. I didn't stop right away, but made very emphatic hand gestures to him to keep going...because I only knew about one or two more lines! This all happened over a matter of seconds, but it felt like minutes went by.

On one hand, nobody said a word about it, so either it was bad and nobody had the heart to tell me, or (I think) it was "whatever" and just seemed a natural thing. I'd like to believe the latter...but who knows. This does NOT mean I'll be jumping into Karaoke any time real soon, but it's kind of fun. I'm just still too unsure to subject others to my test-runs.

Anyway, met some cool people, and perhaps a few contacts. Turns out these guys from the Cheap Trick tribute band just lost their bassist (no, I don't think he died), so they were having to turn down gigs. I'd have considered it, but I'd have to actually 1) know more than the standard couple songs and 2) actually be able to play bass well enough to pull it off. Neither is true. :p

Friday night, I got to see a local cover band called "Subtle Lobotomy". I had actually met the drummer and singer at the bar-side the previous week. Really cool guys! They're just out to have fun and said the band name was kind of a working title. It's kinda funny...both of them are named "Scott". Just makes certain conversations a bit interesting is all. At any rate, I saw them and, although there were some issues, 75-90% were technical. The sound guy really kinda sucks...the bass was too loud (yeah, yeah...but it was overpowering the bass drum and flattening some of the guitar riffs), and things were just plain imbalanced. After the first set was over, I told Scott (yeah, which one, right? Both, actually...but that's irrelevant) what I thought. The singer said he thought it was kinda shoddy. Not bad, but really could have been better. I agreed and told him why. Then I spoke with the bassist, Jeremy, when he stopped by. He said "yeah, I asked [sound guy] if I was ok, since I don't have a monitor, and he just said 'let me worry about that'". Well, Jeremy did...and the sound guy didn't. I just said to turn it down a little to help balance. Well, after the first song in the second set, he adjusted it again and everything just seemed to fall in place (I think one of the girls there motioned to turn it down more after that first song). Anyway, despite my initial warning that I might have to cut out soon, I ended up staying until they finished at 0100.

Scott C. (drums) was friggin awesome. He's got this HUGE set with like 6 toms and 6 cymbals (random numbers...I don't recall, but there were a lot) and the guy just wailed away like it was nothing. After seeing that, I almost swore I'd never pick up drum sticks again. This guy was GOOD. I told them I was surprised they didn't have any Rush in there...ya know, "Workin' Man" or "Tom Sawyer"...I mean, sure Neil Peart's drum set is 3 levels, fully encircling, and rotates...but it can be done on what Scott had! I'm sure of it.

Well, been keeping in email contact with him (they don't have a band website, MySpace, or anything yet), and made some suggestions while giving honest feedback about the performance. I just made sure to tell them to keep the salt shaker handy. The thing is, despite being nervous about telling a band what I think they could improve, etc, Scott seemed genuinely thrilled for the feedback and said that the band even liked many of the suggestions I'd made for future sets! I have no way to confirm that, but he's got no reason to lie about that...I'll just lock that one away in my "paranoid" box and sit on it. I think I did good. Why spoil it?

The very next night, I went out to "The Bone" in Deep Ellum. Not the biggest, brightest, or busiest joint in downtown Dallas, but it has a rooftop patio where bands can (normally) play. I was there for the monthly "local rock band meetup group" that's for local bands and their supporters (aka fans). Once again, I'd been joined up for ages, but only ever attended one. Met Tom, the organizer, that first time out and he's been hounding me to come back since then. I really couldn't say why I never made it to the others...and going this past Saturday makes me wonder even more. It was awesome!

Fracas is a 3-man band that seems to have been around some years. They're young, but have obviously been doing this a while. The drummer was great and even sang a Green Day tune (don't recall which one) WHILE DRUMMING! The guy has to be maybe 20-22. The front man played guitar and sang (obviously), and there was the bassist. The basic of the basics in terms of having a full band, but it sounded great. Most of their stuff is original, written by the front man. If you read the lyrics without hearing the music, it seems really bitter and cynical. On the other hand, when you hear it performed, it's a whole lot more like satire, especially the way Langdon (aforementioned front man) sings it and hams it up on stage.

Once again, I noticed something amiss with the sound...so I talked to Tom and he took me over to the sound board. Although all those knobs and sliders look intimidating, I watched Tom work them after explaining what was wrong (I thought) and he started tweaking. He stopped to listen and confirmed what I'd said, but told me that he had the bass' treble WAY up, so that seemingly missing range was either the bass' tuning or how the knobs on the bass were set by the bassist. Basically, you could hear him strum away on the E string (lowest notes), but if he started hitting higher notes, the punch and thump would fade away almost completely, as if he wasn't even plugged in. I talked to said bassist after the set while they were tearing down to make way for the next band and told him the issue. Turns out he's used to having a monitor, but that he was told it was easiest to plug straight into...(yadda, yadda, yadda...I had a mild buzz going and it was loud...I didn't register all of it, but it made sense at the time). So, basically, he didn't mess with the knobs on his bass because he couldn't hear what he was doing. No problem, just figured he'd want to know. I know I would. Well, he did...and handed me a copy of their CD (commercial-quality, no less...NOT a home-burned disc, that's for sure!) I handed him a fiver for it. It seemed only fair.

Next up was "Chin's Mojo". Don't ask. (Not sure I could explain, anyway.) This is Tom's band...organizer and sound-guy Tom. Everything they do is original. They had a brand new drummer that night. The guy was good...played very well, but I thought he seemed a bit stiff. Well, turns out he's a bit of a technician. That means he was totally focused on the job at hand...no time for screwing around or anything. I understand that, as my mind works much the same way (when I'm not falling asleep...as I seem to be presently). As usual, they put on a good show and gave it everything they had. Not sure where Tom gets the energy...I'm pretty sure he doesn't sleep...

Well, the final act was a group called "Lightning Tree". It was obvious they hadn't been around long (as a band), but the front woman did vocals and bass...and absolutely ROCKED!!!!! I take nothing away from the guitarist and drummer...she just was FAR beyond them, from what I heard that night. She played that bass like Scott C. played those drums just the night before. It was mesmerizing...and she's no alto, either. Ever hear a woman pull off ZZ Top? Truly amazing.

She had her drummer and guitarist take a break for a song so she could have a guest come up for a little duet. She put down the bass and picked up a guitar (electric) and proceeded to play some song I'd not heard before. I couldn't say if it was an original, but the other girl was pretty good. Much higher voice, so it was a good combination. Afterwards, I approached the guest singer and encouraged her. I specifically said "stop holding back!" She told me she couldn't hear herself, so she didn't know how loud to be. I just told her to "let Tom worry about that". She seemed glad to hear that.

Not much later, as the band was back in full-swing, the guest singer was sitting nearby with her head in the clouds. I caught her attention and mocked her spaced-out look, which got a laugh. I motioned her over and she joined me. Now, I admit that I didn't pay enough attention this whole time, but I will assert that my intentions were honorable. I was there for music and she seemed to be elsewhere...that's just not right! We talked a while and I asked her about being so spaced out and she said "oh, I hear this every night". Not thinking, I asked "oh, that your best friend or roommate or something?"

...

"She's my mom."

O.o
o.O
O.O

So, somewhat dazed by the revelation (she didn't look like a kid...and the woman on stage didn't look particularly old...), I asked her how old she was. She held up the back of her hand and said "16...didn't you see the 'X'?" On the back of said hand was a big red X. At that moment, I was immensely grateful for my nigh-on 3 decades of overly-cautious, nice-guy behavior. Once again, I assert that my intentions were nothing but honorable...but being that friendly with a minor just sent a chill up my spine as perceptions could be taken wrong. I tried my best not to show it...nothing changed, I just learned something I hadn't known...I was fine. Really!

(*WHEW*...wait, was that a breeze? Or was that the headsman's axe just barely missing my neck?)

At any rate, after the show, I approached the bass-wielding blues-mama (ok, is that as cheesy as it sounds? Thought so...) and spent every single ounce of willpower NOT to pull a "Wayne's World: 'We're Not Worthy'" act while talking to her. I met her band mates, was a little creeped out by the spaced-out drummer, and talked for quite some time (when she wasn't running around hauling gear...which yes, I did offer to help with). She handed me a CD-R with her name, email address, and what I'm assuming is the band name and album name. There are only 5 songs on it, but it's all original stuff. Man, I wasn't wrong...that woman has some serious blues soul. Unfortunately, you don't get that much blues living an easy life.

Mary and I have been emailing back and forth since that night and I'm learning a lot. I won't go into details here as a lot of it was personal stuff about where all that blues soul comes from. The rest was both a request for my technology expertise in getting her analog camcorder hooked up so she could post videos on YouTube, MySpace, etc. with an offer to pay. Well, after a few more emails, it came up that she can help me figure out if I'm any good at singing, what I can do to improve, and that there might be the potential for some sort of skill trade-off. Sounds like a deal to me!

I'm also apparently a dead-ringer for one of her oldest and best friends. I get the impression he's no longer around, but what exactly that means, I don't know.

Right now, business is slow, but steady...I'm getting out more (than I should, really)...meeting new, cool people, and perhaps getting back into music again. It's about time...as long as I've had my instruments, you'd think I'd have moved past "novice" level by now.

Anyway, I'm really starting to lose consciousness here, so I'll call it a night. If I think of anything else, I'll post it tomorrow...maybe.

(btw...you won't find the song in any search as of right now...but I'm hoping to change that soon. And no, I don't know if that's really her real name...keep forgetting to ask! Also, before you ask, she's already with someone. I'm in this for the music and making new friends, anyway.) :)

It's official..I'm now A+ Certified! I took both 601 (Essentials) and 602 (Technical) exams today and aced both of them. Although, technically, I didn't really doubt I would, there's always that little twinge of anxiety that creeps in and makes you wonder...until you see the results. The good news is that, unlike the last exam, I got to know my score immediately and walked out with embossed papers proving it. :)

I could have done better, in truth. Especially with the first test. The essentials bit had me on a few things, mostly being the more obscure DOS commands used in the Windows Recovery Console (since I really don't use it that much). I really need to brush up on my DOS commands anyway. I always talk about how I miss the "good-old-days" of DOS, yet I'm still letting myself get rusty. Well, at least it's not so bad that it affects my job. I just need to brush up a bit.

Next up, the MCSE 70-270 exam for Windows XP Professional Administration. I should have that done by the end of March. I fell behind last year between procrastination and various other things that tend to crop up...although I'm still technically behind schedule, I'm caught up to where I'm supposed to be for the term. I intend to keep it that way and, if possible, move ahead. There's no reason I can't be done with this program early.

Now...nothing this cool happens without some downside stuff. The good news is, so far, it's been incredibly mild. My left shoulder is rather sore and the joint seems swollen...I somehow popped it badly yesterday (which is weird...it pops normally anyway). I'm sure the few pushups I did (hey, haven't been to the gym lately, so I gotta do SOMETHING) didn't help...it didn't really get sore until a bit after that. Whatever. It's what I get for having unusually loose joints. I always said I wasn't built for athletics...

Also, the keyboard tray...or rather, the rack that holds the tray...decided to pull itself completely from the frame on my desk on the left side (I'm seeing a pattern here...). I'm currently typing with the keyboard on my lap. Cheap-ass fiberboard furniture...

Like I said...minor stuff. The test more than balances it out. Now, I need to find out what I have to do to get the "A+ Certified" logo to put on my stuff. Things like my website, my business cards, perhaps something for the signs on my car...whatever. I don't care much, but sometimes people look for that. It can only help, right?

Anyway, that's about it for now. Maybe I can finally get back on a schedule and post more often...and perhaps fit other things in as well. Picked up my bass again yesterday for the first time in a couple months. Felt good, but didn't have much time. I guess it doesn't help that I have the computer I use for play-along stuff is open right now with a hard drive I'm trying to recover connected to it. I REALLY need to get me a real workbench. They're expensive...but worthwhile. Luckily, it's a tax write-off as it's obviously used for my business, AND it goes in my office!

Ok, I'm really done this time. :p

(The music I selected isn't indicative of anything...I just happen to like the song. It's got a great old-school rhythm-n-blues piano in it that I just love.)

Yeah, I haven't posted much lately. No, it's not for a lack of things to say, though perhaps a lack of "constructive" or "objective" things might be more accurate. In any event, a friend of mine just lent me the first season of the "new" Dr. Who (Christopher Eccleston) and I had to go searching for info on the theme music. I'd remembered hearing there were actual words to the song, but it turns out those were all just remixes by various bands. The real original is much more interesting as it was completely instrumental and the process by which it was created was absolutely incredible for the time. Just seeing how much time, effort, and care was put into the piece really gives one a real appreciation for the art and why the theme has endured for 40 years. Anyone who's ever even HEARD of "Dr. Who" could pick out that tune on any given day.

Check it out! -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor_Who_theme_music

And, btw...anyone who enjoys a good sci-fi serial should really pick this up, rent it, or whatever. If you've ever seen the old series, they put just enough "camp" in it to give it that old-school feel without getting "just plain silly" (era of the 7th Doctor...which, not surprisingly, is where the old series ended).

Anyway, just wanted to put that out there. Enjoy it!

Now, for something totally unrelated:

The "Rahr & Sons Brewry" in Ft. Worth, Texas is worth visiting. I just got back from a road-trip (ok, so living in the DFW area, maybe that doesn't qualify as a "road trip") yesterday to that very place. They have a "free tasting" every Saturday between 1 and 3pm. The ones I had were great, but the best, however, was their "End-of-Winter Warmer Ale" which was the last batch of their very dark and roasty "Winter Warmer" holiday brew. What made it special was that it was aged for 2 months in barrels sent to them by the Maker's Mark company. Yes, those barrels had been used to age actual whiskey (and though I don't drink much hard liquor, Maker's Mark is one of the smoother varieties), so the flavor and smell were fused into the beer over those 2 months. They only gave out small samples, since there was very little of it and a HUGE crowd there, but it really overshadowed every other brew they had...and that says something! It was like tasting a sample from a $200+ bottle of exceptional wine after being served a couple glasses of quite good $80 wine. As good as that $80 wine is likely to be, that $200 stuff just surpasses it. That was the case here. The unfortunate part is, as far as I could tell, this stuff wasn't for sale as it was sort of a "thank you" to those who attended the event. I did buy a $15 stein there and although no stein of plain, clear glass, no matter the logo on it, is worth $15, the beer was free and you got up to 3 pints! They way they do it is you either get a small 4oz plastic cup sample, or you can buy a $5 pint glass, or a .5 liter stein. They won't fill the stein all the way, but that's still a lot of beer! The glasses, of course, are souvenirs. You even get to bring them back next time to re-use. I'll definitely be going back (though, not alone...I'm not driving if I go there)!

Check it out! -> http://rahrbrewing.com/beer.html

And I'm done. It's a Sunday and I have other things to do...like watch more Dr. Who, cook, watch anime (currently viewing "DeathNote" -> VERY good supernatural drama), or "crack-out" (aka "play until your eyes bleed") on "Pirates of the Burning Sea" or "EVE Online", depending upon who else is online right now. Different games, different groups of friends on each (the former being actual local friends I see fairly regularly OUTSIDE of cyber-space).

Until next time! (whenever that might be...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v4Wy7gRGgeA

Watch it.

I have nothing more to add.

:p

Well, this is gonna be short...(no, seriously!)

A lot of things have happened over the past few weeks. Some AWESOME (business is booming with plenty of new clients, most of which are referrals!) and some...not so much. I'm still not at a point where I can post here about it objectively, so until I can, I'll just refrain. Still hurt, still pissed, and still unable to separate the facts from my thoughts and feelings about the whole situation...a bad place to be and will prevent me from posting something constructive. I've already done that before, but what's posted stays posted. I just need to be more mindful of myself and my state of mind.

The good news is, I'm not sick anymore, though it did get worse before it got better. Still coughing, but that's what recovering from bronchitis is like (yeah, I got it anyway).

I need to really keep up with posting here. I know there are a few that actually read it, but it's mainly supposed to be therapeutic...doesn't help if I don't do it.

Maybe what I need to do is start venting in private posts, then re-post later with something more objective or constructive for the public viewing. I was trying to avoid that as I didn't want to be "hiding" things, but I've found that venting on another person can be helpful, but it doesn't allow me the luxury of actually seeing my thoughts recorded for review. It really is amazing how much you can learn about yourself just reading your own writing...especially if you do so from a different frame of mind.

Anyway, I gotta be somewhere in about an hour and traffic heading east-bound on 635 SUCKS ASS this time of day.

See? I said it'd be short... :p

...and I just realized I haven't eaten a thing since breakfast... O.o

It happens every friggin year...

I inherited a pretty iron-clad immune system from my mother, but once a year, it fails me. $*#()$*@ grocery stores...

Fever of 100 (and I don't think I've had a fever since I was about 12), everything tastes like cardboard, painful cough, and just feeling like overall crap. No, I'm not the only one, so I'm not looking for pity...just hate being sick, like most people. Sucks worse when it costs you money (or at least delays payment) due to having to postpone a client's appointment. That, and it leaves them with their troubles that much longer. Yeah, it's "only" computer stuff, but still...

I hate doing it, but I'm not going ANYWHERE today.

Last year, I had basically the same thing, only I don't think it was as bad, started in my head rather than my lungs, and, like a real stubborn ass, I thought I could kick it without taking anything. (I hate antibiotics...) Ended up with bronchitis for a month. I will NOT be making that same mistake again!!!

Now that I think about it, though...I'm sure the stress lately hasn't helped boost my immune system at all. Ah, well...hopefully, a good chunk of that should be over soon. At least I can take solace in that knowledge...

Well, I guess it was bound to happen. I was officially shot down. I kinda had a feeling it would happen, but I had to try. I don't know how many times I missed a possible opportunity just because I never spoke up. I couldn't let that happen again.

Unfortunately, it just wasn't to be. That's not to say never, but she's apparently just not in a place to be with someone right now. At least, that's the direct impression she gave me and, by her words, didn't sound like it was likely to change any time soon. I'm not giving up, but I'm also not going to linger. I'll keep looking. All I can do right now is just be a friend, as I've been trying up to this very moment.

A good friend of mine is actually on his way over. Yeah, it's late, but it's a Friday...it's been a long week...and dammit, I need BEER AND BRATWURSTS! (To say it out loud, it's just "beer and brahts", but writing "brats" just looks wrong) In any event, he's here, so I gotta go.

ZOMG! A short post! WHOAH!

Yeah, yeah...rag on me later about it. :p

I'll add the music, etc later as well. No time to lose!

Well, a new day, a new month, and a new year. I anticipate my share of problems and situations, but over all, I feel it's going to be a good one. Fresh starts always feel good, once you've actually made the decision and gone through with it. Sure, there's some uncertainty involved...and sometimes there's the possibility to go back...but that's all really a matter of determination and how much the change is for health or stability. Many of my friends have made some pretty major changes in their lives lately, whether by voluntary or involuntary means. Admittedly, more than one was faced with a situation that was negatively impacting their lives and didn't have a choice, but in any case, it's often difficult to make the transition.

Sometimes, however, a change in someone's life or situation is completely voluntary. One day you wake up, or perhaps are doing some mundane daily ritual, and realize you're in a rut. Not as bad as having dug oneself into a hole, but all movement and thought has become circular. Complacency and stagnation are often one's worst enemies. You want to move forward, but aren't doing badly, so you feel no motivation to break out. The idea is to know when that's happening and make the conscious decision to move forward.

It wasn't quite like that for me this morning, as I'd been thinking about things for quite some time before today. Although I'm not talking about any major changes in my life, I did start altering little things lately. Such as this past Sunday, I went grocery shopping. That in and of itself isn't all that odd, besides me usually not going for a month at a time, but this time, I actually had an agenda that landed me actual FOOD in the fridge for the first time in a while. I've got enough to last me at least a week. THIS, despite being something normal, sane people do already, is not something I'm prone to. I like to cook, but cooking for oneself, as I've mentioned before, seems almost wasteful. Well, I took the initiative and did it anyway. My veggie drawer has Romaine lettuce, a few Roma tomatoes, a couple regular tomatoes, green onions, and a green bell pepper. My freezer currently has a package of turkey burgers (vacuum-packed in 2s, 10 total), 2 packages of Johnsonville bratwursts (original), 1lb of tilapia fillets, broccoli florettes, steam-in-the-bag sugar snap peas, and a bag of Chinese pork buns (for something quick so I can avoid fast food when I'm in a hurry). I also have in the fridge 1lb of ground beef (which I need to cook soon, even if just to store it), pesto w/basil, a package of 3-cheese tortellini (the fresh, refrigerated kind), , and other stuff. Also, I have some pasta "sauce" (loose term...has so much ground meat, mushrooms, onions, etc in it...) that a good friend made for Christmas, most of which is in the freezer. I even bought a few kinds of pasta like vermicelli (thin spaghetti...not angel hair), bow tie, and penne. Got cans of corn, green beans, and all kinds of other beans as well. Peas, canned tuna and salmon, and even a small box of couscous.

I spent about $170 on that trip. Not unusual for me, but the fact that I got a ton of food instead of...less useful items really is a change. I've even started making breakfast again. No more "Super Sonic Breakfast Burritos" for a good while, if I can help it. I love them, but no...better to make my own stuff. Hell, I'm even experimenting and liking the results!

My breakfast yesterday was 3 large eggs scrambled together with ground black pepper, garlic powder, cooking rice wine (dark, salted sake...NOT for drinking), sliced black olives, and a chopped shiitake mushroom (cap only, no stem). Poured it onto a skillet with some sesame oil (amazing how it changes the flavor...I love it), then added some shredded cheddar cheese and rolled it up into an omelet. I put that onto a French roll with a little "Smart Balance Light" spread (hey, gotta cut down on fat somewhere and it's pretty good) and, after a bite, some of that red Thai hot sauce. You know the stuff...big bottle of red chili sauce with the green twisty cap, label printed in 5 languages (2 of them Asian) right on the plastic of the bottle...and it was GREAT! Could use a little tweaking, perhaps, but not bad for something I thought up instead of using a recipe. I guess my German/Italian lineage is coming through loud and clear. :p

Yesterday, for lunch, I had 2 turkey burgers, seasoned (before cooking) with Mrs. Dash and garlic powder, with slices of tomato and Romaine lettuce. Light mayo and brown mustard (YES, I USE BOTH, DAMMIT!) and it was great. The only thing I forgot was the slices of sharp cheddar...and the buns I bought were a little big. Instead of chips, I had some peeled baby carrots and a green onion. Got the idea for the onion from one of my clients who gave me one with a turkey sandwich while I was working on his computer. I did, however, forget that he had snapped off the whitest part at the time. WOW that was a slap. Bit in and remembered instantly he'd done that...and now realized why. It tasted good, but it bit me right back. Must remember...only much the green part by itself! Also, I think the one he gave me was a bit younger, as I remember it being smaller. Whatever...it was good either way.

What amazed me was how sweet Romaine lettuce is by itself. I wasn't going to put the entire leaf on each burger since those things are HUGE, so I ripped it in half and just put the greenest, leafy part on the burgers and ate the crunchy lower half. Didn't even need dressing, though it would have been nice.

Ok, back to what I was saying...

I've decided that my situation isn't bad, but it's also not progressing forward. My business is moving sideways at the moment. I'm getting new clients, but my regulars aren't calling quite so often. Technically, that's a good thing...don't want a lot of "repeat" business, if you know what I mean. It's balancing, but not growing. It also stagnated a bit towards the end of the year...but that was expected. No, I'm going to have to do more to advance things. Most of the things I want for myself are also useful for social gatherings...such as an HDTV (promised myself one a couple years ago), outdoor furniture (for my so-far-unused porch), a collapsible table and chairs (for maybe hosting a tabletop game, or even just dinner), and a new gaming rig (computer) to go with the new TV. Ok, that last one isn't so much for entertaining, but it WILL allow me to finally separate my gaming from my office, since my gaming machine and work computer are presently one and the same. I don't like this and it makes keeping my office in order much harder.

Anyway, the new idea (ok, not new, but needing to be finally done) is to get signage for my car. A magnet for each side of the car (rear doors...moderate dent on the driver's door) and lettering on the back windshield. I can't really do removable on the windshield, but the magnets are so I can put them on any NEW car I get without having to re-purchase them. And that's another thing I need...a new car. I finally got my Escort working right, but it's costing too much to upkeep. F.O.R.D. indeed. It'll serve the purpose for now, but it's just not very attractive or practical, and I need it to be both for my business.

One more thing, that I've been considering for a while now, was shaving. I already started keeping my face properly trimmed more recently...(another change, as I had gotten lackadaisical about that over time -> the pic you see above is not what I consider "properly trimmed"). Well, despite my hesitation to do so, since I like how it looks when kept up, I did it. I mean, I can always grow it back, so no real loss...but I haven't done this since July 27, 2002, during the move to Texas. I tried for a "fresh start" then as well. It worked, but the shaving thing didn't impress me, so I grew it back. This time, I have a lot more than just my best friend to get feedback from (who had decided to move with me, and he didn't really have an opinion, if I remember). I'll just have to see what everyone says. If consensus is to keep it off, then I will...though I'm already missing it. I feel kinda naked without it...but that'll pass if I keep up with it. I figure I'll try it for a week and see how it feels and what people think. I'll post a pic if I keep it this way.

I'm sure my grandmother would be thrilled. She loves my long hair, but hates facial hair. I really should visit soon...it's only going to be for a weekend, so there's little excuse about missing business. I just need to do it. I mean...I know there's only so much time left...and I do miss her. I mean, yes, I'll be visiting my parents as well (she lives with them), but chances are, I'll be able to visit them much further into the future.

Well, enough of that. I feel too good to get myself down right now. :p

Now, that's not to say I'm all chipper and gleeful...my neck feels like I was at a metal concert all night headbanging (which I just don't do...I joke about it because of my hair, but no) and my back has been giving me trouble. I just need to get back to the gym and see a chiropractor. A spine and joint realignment along with reducing my body fat percentage should help me alleviate some of the "old-man" crap I've been feeling, which really isn't good since I'm not even 30 yet.

No, I'm not super-morning-person-happy or energetic at all, but I do feel a bit more confident and positive about the coming year. I'm trying hard to change my eating habits (which will be great for my bank account as well) and how I do things. I'm also trying to change how I view situations, people, and events. I'm basically trying to rely more on my logical side rather than letting my irrational side control me. That's hard to do! For example: I tend to feel that friends sometimes aren't telling me things or are avoiding me for whatever reason. When that happens, I start over-thinking and getting depressed. I know it's not rational, but it happens and I let it take over when it goes on long enough. Well, now I'm going to think "so what if it's true? It doesn't really change anything, and if they don't tell me what's up, it's their problem to deal with." That sounds a bit harsh to my own ears, but honestly, it's how I feel most people think normally. I just can't let that kind of stuff bother me. If people want to pull away from me or exclude me from their lives to some extent or other, regardless of their reason, I have to let them do what they're gonna do and stop worrying about why. Sure, I'd like to know if I had something to do with it...something I said or did...but if they won't tell me, I can't know, so it's not my problem. If I do figure it out, I can deal with it, but that's not very commonly the case. Just live my life and remember that some people will want me around while others will decide they don't, for whatever reason. Their decisions can only affect me and how I feel if I let them. People change and move on. I just have to deal with that. No sense in brooding over why...hell, they might not even know themselves!

I was really hoping that the certain female I've had my eye on lately would be available last night. I wasn't planning or anticipating anything, nor would anything "serious" have happened (purely because I'm looking for something much deeper than fun, which isn't happening in one night). I just wanted to welcome the new year in the presence of someone I'd like to consider a possible future with (and hope she feels the same...but that's looking a bit far ahead). I'm getting too old for just having fun and the idea is not to find a girlfriend, but to find a potential wife. That's what I want. I intend to take my time and build a relationship...don't get me wrong...but the idea of dating is just getting old, and I'm ready for something more meaningful. I don't date much as it is, but at this point in my life, anyone I'm seeing is going to be a potential for marriage. If I don't see that as a possibility, I'm letting go. I just feel ready for that. I only hope whomever I choose feels the same. I can wait until I'm 35 or more to see it happen, but I want to start building that relationship soon. If it's not the one I'm looking at now, then so be it. I just hope, if not her, that I meet the one I'm to marry soon. No way to know until the rings are on, but here's hoping.

Now, for anyone who knows the one I've been referring to, don't freak. I'm not planning anything and this is only a train of though I've been on for quite some time and it includes nobody in particular. My only point is, I'm ready to look for my future wife. I'd like to consider this very attractive, shy-ish, angelic-voiced woman of appropriate age, but I barely know her, so she's simply one possible consideration at this time. She has to decide if the same is true for her. I'm interested...I don't even know if she is. I'm going to be working to find that out. That's one of my "jobs" for this year. If she's not, yeah, it's gonna suck and it's gonna hurt a bit, but I'll live. She's still worth having as a friend, regardless, which is what I'll be working to build no matter what.

I know I tend to read too much into things...and act an idiot in the process. When I get it in my head that something's a certain way, even without knowing the whole story, I end up convincing myself of crap I can't possibly know for truth. This can have pretty bad consequences. I don't like that side of me and will be working harder than ever to suppress it (mainly by re-tracking my thought process...stay OUT of circular thought patterns!) I have to simply let things happen as they will and have faith that those around me will step in if I'm getting close to crossing any lines or doing anything stupid. Luckily, my more recent boost of self-confidence should help me avoid that anyway. It was that kind of thinking that, I believe, was holding me back in the first place. Have faith in your friends...and pursue the future you want for yourself. I need to concern myself more with my own life, health, needs, and wants. I need and want to be there for my friends and know that they can count on me...that doesn't change. The difference now is that I need to do what's right for me first. I don't mind making little sacrifices (or big ones, if necessary), but I put too much thought and sacrifice into little things, situations, and events. I've been known to (well, by me anyway) make bigger sacrifices to accommodate a smaller matter. That needs to stop. I'm not talking about the stuff where I'm helping someone deal with a situation wherein they really need help. I'm talking about not doing something I really want to do because someone asked me to do, or go, or help with something that, in the end, was little more than a kindness that had little impact on the friendship or my reliability as a friend.

Here's an example. An ex-girlfriend of mine had a birthday last month and invited me to the dinner party. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go, but I figured I would since we're still supposed to be friends. Also, I'd had a hang-up about being around her because I'd spent a bit (ok, WAY too much) time in the past trying to get her back. Well, I had been thinking about it up to that point and was fairly sure I was over her and wanted to test myself, as well as continue being a good, reliable friend (despite her lack of reciprocation on that end). The dinner was fun and I got to see her father, with whom I'd built a pretty good rapport, and her mother as well as a friend or two I'd met before and some I'd never met. I handed out some business cards (trying to make a point of doing that, wherever I go now) and I otherwise enjoyed myself. The after-dinner party was another story...

I was one of only two of her friends who showed up to the dinner...the other one lives just a few doors down from her. Due to that, the van they rented for the trip downtown wasn't needed and I volunteered (or was volunteered, though I really didn't have an objection) to taking her down there, since I was originally going to follow the van down anyway. I wasn't even sure I wanted to go, but figured "why not".

It was loud, smoky, and although that doesn't directly bother me normally, it was a rap club. It wasn't long before the place got REAL busy and the music got exponentially louder. I swear, every 15 minutes, the DJ kicked the dial up another notch or three. I did meet another friend of hers who, like me, is in the IT field. Cool guy! Her step-brother and another friend also showed up, which was cool...though her bro and I never really hit it off. Not a matter of dislike....a kind of conflict of interest, I suppose...but I digress.

As the night progressed, I was less and less in the jovial mood. The music wasn't doing a damn thing for me (and I tried...I swear, I tried), the volume was getting too much, and the crowd was simply too much for such a small place. I suffered it until about 0145 (1:45am) and had to get the hell out. Yes, I was supposed to be responsible for getting her home...but apparently she'd already made other "backup" plans (so-called by me) to get home. Upon learning this, I said my goodbyes and left. To say my mood was foul would have been an understatement. I should have listened to my gut and stayed out of the second celebration, but I was trying to be a good friend and stick around, give her a ride, etc.

It didn't help that she kept giving me those "mixed signal" winks that just drive me up the wall (in the bad way). I'm pretty sure she doesn't realize she's doing it. Doesn't matter...I won't likely see her again any time soon, the way she does things. I hate to admit it, but I'm sort of glad. She simply reinforced my thoughts that, despite our talks about, and her insistence regarding, her wanting to settle down and have a family, her actions shout "NO WAY IN HELL!!!" Even if I hadn't already decided that, this would have been the final straw. Lucky for me, it was just a reinforcement! It's too bad...she had (and perhaps still has, though I won't be the one to find out) such potential. Well, that's that! Moving on...

Well, I suppose it's time to eat something. I was supposed to visit a couple friends today for the lunch-time New Year's "breakfast" (pork and sauerkraut, love it!), but one of them is sick. They all live together (except the sick one's boyfriend, but he might as well, as often as he's there :p ), so I'm the only one not already exposed to whatever it might be, if it's contagious. I hope she gets better soon! Poor thing seems to be sick more often than not. I honestly can't remember the last time I visited where she wasn't either recovering from illness, just starting to feel sick, or simply exhausted and turning in early. I've been starting to think it's me! (Seriously, it's seemingly worst when I'm expected to come around...how messed up is that?!) Luckily, I don't think it works that way. :p

Still have another social engagement today. It's the normal Tuesday-night gaming group, convening again for the first time in weeks. We're gonna have a few more people this time, but only one of whom will be joining in the actual game. I know everyone's probably already gathered now, but there's just too many other things I have to do today. I'll be there in time for the game at 7.

Oh yeah...food...keep getting side-tracked!

I hope my words are insightful and non-insulting to anyone who knows me or those I'm mentioning (or if you ARE one of those mentioned, or strongly hinted-at). Take it with a grain of salt and, if there's any confusion, please feel free to call and set the record straight or ask about it! I'm not shy about being wrong. Better to be corrected than to continue presenting something untrue and look an idiot.

-> Ok, while looking for a song to for this post, I realized I got sidetracked and went go make food. I was about 2 seconds away from just doing a quick-n-easy solution, but when I saw the penne (cooked 2 nights ago, stored plain), I hesitated. I just thought about some butter and Parmesan, but knew I needed some protein in there. I almost heated up a Chinese pork bun, but that's a lot of added carbs for the little protein involved and I'd already decided on the penne. Then I remembered I had bought a bunch of different canned beans. Eureka! Now...which ones? After a brief consideration, I grabbed the kidney beans. I almost put garbanzos in as well, but realized I was quickly running out of containers for the leftovers, so I put them back. I rinsed them off and put a quarter cup into the penne (only making one serving and trying to not over-eat as I tend to). After I decided on the beans, I decided to keep it a cold dish. With that in mind, I put a little olive oil in it (though it slipped and I added a little more than I intended). Just for kicks, I grabbed the balsamic vinegar. I tried it and, although it looked a little funky, it tasted good. But once again, it still needed something. I snapped off half a length of green onion and cut it up. The smell alone was enough, but it did add a little kick and color. While I was at it, I diced up half a Roma tomato to cover my veggie (ok, fruit, but the law now says different). Wow. Although I felt it could still use something more, I couldn't think of anything I had on hand that would do it, so I settled. Just as well...it was fantastic! I never EVER thought I'd make a cold pasta and bean "salad" like that. I think the only thing that I could have added was some fresh basil. If I'd had any, like with the onion, the smell alone would have made it. I also think I would have had to make more than just the single serving and let it sit for a while in the fridge, so in the essence of a quick lunch, no loss.

I know it's nothing that hasn't been done before, but it's new to ME, which is all that matters. The fact that I pulled this out of my head "on the fly" (though not as quickly as a culinary veteran, obviously) really impressed me and the end result, though as usual could use a bit of tweaking, was better than I could have hoped for. It was a proper serving size and I'm not the least bit stuffed, nor am I still hungry. I'm really starting to like this new change in my ways! Now...I just need to find a way to eat like this on a BUSY day...

(is it just me...or are these posts actually getting LONGER?!?!!? ACK!)

Happy New Year!!!

(song selection lyrics here)

What do you do when someone close to you won't do what needs to be done? What do you do when they're in a situation that's destructive to mind and heart? I'm not alone in feeling the situation needs to end, but it's not our call to make. It has to be the one actually in the situation.

I learned long ago that you can't save people...you can only help them help (and hopefully save) themselves. The hardest part is watching efforts stagnate due to wishful thinking and recurring feelings of failure. I feel kinda like a wartime soldier, only instead of watching friends die in battle, I watch them turn their hearts and rational minds inside-out looking for a way to make things right, when the cost in effort and sanity is just too high to be reasonable. I'm seeing it far too often and it's taking it's toll.

Please understand that I'm not complaining, feeling like some victim, or that I'm worse off than anyone. The fact is, I'm not. I choose to be there for my friends and my family. I've chosen to stand by them and do what I can, no matter how little it may be. I just wish there was more I could do.

How ironic that seeing all this pain, especially in regards to relationships, instead of being happy to be single, I'm really feeling the void. Perhaps it's because I feel I've seen enough mistakes made that I can avoid the most common ones. Maybe I just think I can do it better. Or, maybe I'm just as deluded as everyone else and want to be a part of something that's just going to hurt both of us in the end...

Nah, I don't buy that. I think that modern society has come to a point where people rush too fast, try too hard, and fall too easily to their own weaknesses instead of working with those around them to see truth and become stronger. Weakness is inherent in all of us, just as is immeasurable strength. If there's one thing I've learned over the years between personal experience, witnessing that of others, and reading or watching some fantastical creation of fiction, it's that one thing rings loud and clear above all others: trust in your friends. Be there for them and allow them to be there for you. Never face your demons alone.

That last one is the hardest one. When someone chooses face their demons alone, or strengthen one as to hold all others at bay (ie: substance abuse), it will consume them. Worse, it consumes all those around them who try to help. When the one in trouble refuses to ask for or accept help, they become a danger to those around them. Some get physically violent, but most often it's emotionally damaging to everyone involved. The true danger to those closest is in their own feelings. The feeling of total helplessness, the want to do more, but most importantly (and this is the key that separates the normal from the dangerous), the feeling that by walking away to save one's own sanity and/or heart, they are abandoning the one who needs them. On one level, perhaps that's true...it's self-preservation at it's core. The difference between self-preservation and running away is the difference between running from an explosion and running from a security guard. The former sees you saving your own life and ability to live it effectively. The latter is merely an inconvenience, often due to one's own stupidity. To get away from someone who has chosen time and time again to face their demons alone is self-preservation in, I believe, it's purest form. The truth of the matter is, you ARE running from an explosion at that point. Who can you help if their demons take over and it turns on you?

Everyone has demons. Everyone's own demons are bigger than anyone else's. Why? Because they're yours. It's not a new philosophy, it's true. "My problems could beat up your problems because they're bigger and meaner." It's actually true, to an extent. Problems that affect one's own life are always going to seem bigger than those affecting someone else. Yes, one could look at another person's situation and say "man, I don't really have it that bad after all". That's nice, but that sentiment will fade real quick when the phone rings and it's the credit card company calling about your third month of late or no payment just as the electric company cuts your power. (No, this has not happened to me, but the analogy holds.)

I tend to listen to others' problems for both the feeling I get from being able to help (even if only by just letting someone vent) and from the fact that it puts my own into perspective. I don't tend to think of my demons as that big. Sure, I've got my share...but they're fairly small. I think this is partially because I acknowledge them and see them for what they are. Many people don't admit to theirs and let it just build until it crushes them.

***********************************************************************************************

I know all last week (heck, this past month), my demons were getting a good grip on me. Although small, and relatively few when I really think about it, they can really do some damage when they coordinate! It's also not healthy to ignore them when they start shouting, despite their small size. Between the holidays, money issues, bills, friends being unavailable (for legitimate reasons, though it's hard to think that way sometimes), living alone (which is nice, but getting old), and being single (also nice, but also getting REALLY old), it's easy to get overwhelmed. Last Saturday, it finally caught up with me and I just stayed home and drank.

Yeah, go ahead about how drinking when down is a bad idea...and how drinking alone is worse...and how drinking to any excess is damaging to your health. Well, you'd be right, and I'm aware of all of these. I'm also aware that I'm responsible enough to know my limits. In addition, I also keep tabs on my hydration and food intake. Above all else, my body even knows its limits. At some point, the desire to drink just ceases completely. I've also learned from past mistakes. Luckily, there were others around during those times.

Just because I can't leave well enough alone and simply must make these posts as long as possible (sorry, but I've stopped fighting it), I'll detail what I ate, drank, and did that night. Of course, as we all know by now, it won't stop there. :p

For starters, I had a double-meat Whataburger, no cheese, no pickles. I washed it down with 24oz of Shiner Bock. After a few minutes and a bottle of water, I then topped a sleeve of Ritz crackers with "Strawberry-Rhubarb Pepper Jelly" and some of those with bits of "Russel Stover Origin Select" dark chocolate (one each of the Ghana, Ecuador, and Venezuela types, broken into 4 chunks each) accompanied by a couple rounds of Gekkeikan sake. I consumed it all over the course of 2 hours. At no point did I allow myself to dehydrate and kept the snacks handy. I never drink on an empty stomach (unless it's soon to be filled).

At that time, I was not only mindful of what I was doing, but of what I was thinking. I ran through all the crap I'd been feeling. By the end of it, I'd read some stories online, emailed a friend of mine up in Alaska that I hadn't heard from in a while, and purged my tear ducts. By the end of it, I was exhausted (as you could perhaps imagine), went through the night-time hygiene routine, and crashed out (on my bed...come on, I wasn't THAT drunk).

I did get a later start than I would have liked the next morning, but except for a low buzzing under the skin (falling asleep drunk does that no matter HOW hydrated you are), I felt great. I was actually in a somewhat silly mood and was feeling MUCH better than I had in a while. Certainly better than I had the past week.

No, I'm not saying that drinking was a great idea. I'm sure my liver was a little peeved at me. Despite that, I don't feel it was the wrong thing. There were probably better ways to deal with things, but it worked out. I really didn't want to be around people because I knew what I was feeling and thinking was irrational and involved the very people I'd have vented on. That wouldn't have gone well. It also would have been wholly undeserved. As I said, it was irrational. I know myself well enough to tell the difference (usually). Although I drink somewhat often, I don't drink every day and I rarely drink to a buzz, let alone full-on intoxication. I just happen to like beer, or the occasional sake. I've NEVER even THOUGHT about driving like that. I think the biggest thing here, though, is that instead of trying to drown my problems to make them go away (which doesn't work, as we all know), I just pickled them a bit, separated and sorted them, then put them in lockup for being loud and disorderly. Well, the wise course or not, it worked.

When they say "drink responsibly", I'm sure what I did wasn't what they had in mind, but I think it's still relevant. Know your limits, monitor your words, actions, and intake, and simply be mindful that you're drinking. Your judgment is impaired, so if forced to make a judgment call, err on the conservative side.

Now, I'm going to post this, and I admit that I've been writing this for almost 2 days, and some things have changed a little since I started, but I've also re-written this post twice. After the days I had yesterday and today, I've got a lot more to say, but it'll wait for another post. Those of you who made it this far have GOT to have other things to do. I'd apologize, but there's nothing forcing you to read, is there? Well, I appreciate you taking the time to do so and thank you for hearing me out. Right or wrong, this is all about how I feel, not necessarily what's reality. Believe me, I'm keenly aware of that fact.

Until next time!

(The song selection is, in truth, much deeper in meaning than my personal interpretation, but it's still one of my favorites. I've included a link to the lyrics and explanation of the actual meaning here. I know the musical style of Tool won't sit with some of you, but combined with their writing, it's what they're known for and I, for one, love it...mood permitting.)

Ok, the "Stir-Fry Pork with Ginger and Cabbage" was a success. Not bad for my first stir-fry! I will say this, however...I'll be picking up a few more things for next time. Not to mention, I'm sure I did some things wrong or backwards. Either way, it tastes good.

Now, the ginger was far too sharp. Either I didn't cut it thin enough or didn't cook it long enough. I'm inclined to think the former, since the pork came out fine. Also, for an entire lb of pork tenderloin (sliced appropriately thin, but should probably be thinner), 3/4 cup of Napa cabbage just isn't enough. I'll be throwing a bit more in next time. I also need a garlic press. Chopping up ginger real fine (no grater) and using 2 tablespoons to press it (again, no garlic press or cheese cloth) is fine, but when the ginger is frozen and the leverage with the two spoons is not as good as one would hope for, I'm sure I missed a good bit of juice AND I think I spent more time doing that than everything else combined. NOTE TAKEN!

Despite it being on my shopping list, I somehow managed to forget to buy the short-grain non-sticky Japanese rice. Standard long-grain rice is fine (and is what I ended up using), but I wanted to see if there was any difference with the other kind. I'll know for next time.

Over all, the pork came out thoroughly cooked and properly tender. The rice was a little dry, but that's because it sat out MUCH longer than anticipated. The lid was still on, but even so...

I'd comment on the cabbage, but I'm thinking most of it just evaporated or something...there's really not much left of what I put in. Perhaps what I read as 3/4 cups is really 3/4 lb. Who knows. I'll mix it up a little next time and see what I come up with. Everyone I've mentioned the recipe to has (assuming they cooked) given their own thoughts on what to add. I didn't bother taking notes since I was still really concentrated on what was already written in the book.

I was supposed to cook it last night, but by the time I got home, I was exhausted. Here's hoping next time I get the order of process right and get everything prepared in advance. One of my biggest bad habits (not including social habits) is that I tend to start doing before I've finished preparing. I seem to do it every time. Be it cooking, gaming, etc, it doesn't matter. I'll start getting everything prepared and the next thing I know, I'm half way through the process, realizing I "forgot" to get something I needed prepared. I lost a game of Risk rather decidedly because I forgot to place my new units before playing my cards because I was thinking strategy, but acted instead of just planned. Same here. I got all the way to the final step and realized I hadn't sliced up the ginger yet. D'OH!

Well, I was hoping to get more things done today, but just lunch has eaten up (no pun intended, I SWEAR) a good chunk of my afternoon, so I'll have to figure something out.

At least maintenance came by today to FINALLY seal up my den window and seal off whatever access the friggin roaches and big-ass spiders were using to get in from behind my dryer. Let's hope it worked!!!

Once again...could go on, but time's running short and I have a lot still to do today...not the least of which is cleaning up the kitchen. Ugh...

(btw...the song selection has nothing to do with my mood or situation...it's just what came up when I started Pandora)