Since I was little, people who have been responsible for me were always trying to figure out how to motivate me. It has been somewhat enigmatic, as what worked for a day, a week, or even several months simply didn't do the job anymore. As I got older, I just attributed it to having too many interests or just getting bored easily. The fact is, it's been something bugging me for over 20 years. I'm 31 now (I didn't think much about it as a kid), and I'm my own boss. That means finding the motivation has fallen to me completely. It's more than just an annoyance now...it's damn frustrating. It affects my job, school, my friends, and everything else in my life. No matter how much I like or want something, at some point it just doesn't matter to me anymore. This does some really messed-up things to my productivity and my cash flow as well as my relationships (friendly, romantically, or otherwise).

Today, I "tweeted" on my business account (Twitter.com/jerryscompsvc) about a problem I'd been having with a friend's computer. It took me months to find a solution that, now, seems completely obvious. It's something I'd dealt with before elsewhere, but somehow missed something critical that was staring me in the face. I know..."it happens to everyone". Keep in mind that this phrase DOES NOT HELP when dealing with guys...read a book on E.D. sometime. It's somewhat of an ego thing. Male egos are big, but fragile...compare him to "everyone" as an equal, he feels lesser, not greater (as many women would, being told the same)*.

Digression aside...

I'm damn good at what I do. If anyone hears me say it, the reason is two-fold. First, shameless self-promotion is really the best way (short of referrals, of course) to build new business when you work more or less solo. If I don't believe in the product, nobody else will! Second, I've found that one who repeats something often enough without (or sometimes even in spite of) external contradiction, it really does begin to stick.

I've been an introvert all my life. The times I tried to fake it were either disasterous or just plain embarrasing. Instead, I've found that fixing something worth fixing, and being proud if it, is a better motivator than almost anything else. At least, it's consistent. I'm not one to give up easily on a problem...which makes some jobs harder. When I'm on a roll, I hate just stopping because I'm told "I can't afford another hour...will this take much longer?" I can't just keep going and charge anyway, but leaving it unfinished means the job failed, the client is unhappy, and I don't get paid. So...I end up telling them I've "stopped the clock". I've lost more billable hours that way...

The good news is that the job getting done makes me happy and keeps the clients (more or less) satisfied. I'd rather have a reputation as a pitbull than a union contract worker...

Anyway, it's strange...I've also found that although I do enjoy praise, sometimes it can be over-done. That actually works against the cause. It's a really bizarre situation. I guess I have an internal meter that gauges what level of recognition or congratulations or whatever is expected and at what point it feels artificial or exaggerated. For me, knowing people noticed on some level is fine. Even on Twitter, just one person offering a suggestion when applicable is enough. It means I'm relevant. Yeah, I know all about basing one's value on the opinions of others...that's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about mattering on a grander scale than just my own little world. I don' want vast fortunes or fame. A good, reasonably padded income with notariety in my field is what I'd like. Sure, I'll take rich if I can get it, but the idea is being able to do what I want, with or for whomever I want, whenever I so feel like it. THAT would be great! That's the plan. Problem is...the plan is missing a few steps. Still working on the part between "fix computers" and "generate money". Yes, they link...but there's not enough time in a day to fix enough computers to get there. I need something more. I just need to figure out what.

Well, though it might not generate money itself, I think motivationally, I need to start a business blog. I realize that sounds silly, considering how infrequently I post to this one, but I think linking Twitter to that, then expanding upon the tweets and jobs in more detail will help me remember steps taken for a fix, have documentation in better format than just quick notes, and let others see what it is I actually do. That's something else...

I used to get a bit "put-on-the-spot" when asked "what's taking so long", or something of the sort. Since I get a little hypoglycemic when I've been working for a long time, the brain slows and responses are uncertain. This does NOT build confidence in either direction as I even start questioning myself about it. Lately, I've been taking notes. Yeah, I should have been already, but there it is. I mean, I did...but it was only what was wrong and whether it was fixed. Now, I build a checklist of action items. This helps in obvious ways, but also when a client suddenly remembers this other issue they've been having. I used to let that sidetrack me. Now, I add it to the list. I look for possible (likely) links between problems and prioritize. It takes a concentrated effort, as I like to just jump in and do, but then when asked what I did, I just mention what worked, not everything I did first. This makes it sound overly simple and like I took too long to do it. With the notes, I can explain what I tried, why I tried it, and why it took however long to do it. Despite my knee-jerk interpretation of "you're wasting my time and money", most people are simply curious as to just how bad the situation is/was and if they made the right call getting a professional. At least I now can help alleviate some of that concern.

What's funny is that my brain doesn't like unsolved things. When I have trouble fixing something, my feeling is that of inadequacy and that I start feeling like the client's confidence in me is wavering. I found out, however, that my being stumped, no matter how brief at times, is actually reassuring to many as their thoughts aren't so much "man, this guy sucks", but rather "Wow...if he's stumped, I never had a chance! Good thing I called!" this makes me happy. I mean, I suppose it was logical, as the easiest and shortest jobs often ended with a "wait...that's all it was???" and a look of "great, that was NOT worth calling a pro".

Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not in favor of extending a job just to make it look harder. I do, however, try to at least give them a bit extra in terms of "hey, you're paying for an hour anyway, let's do a little cleanup." This seems to help at least somewhat...it's hard to feel "taken for a ride" if the person "driving" actually works for the full hour. I also try to mitigate the "stupid user" feeling people get on jobs like that by reminding them that "intelligence has nothing to do with it...if this were really that easy, I'd be out of a job!"

Look, even doctors and lawyers do boneheaded things on a computer that the average web surfer would look at and think "WTF...are you really that stupid?" The issue isn't smart or stupid...actual idiots don't get MDs or pass the BAR. They simply lack knowledge in a particular field...often many fields...due to heavily specializing in their own. The more dedicated someone is to total mastery of anything, the less they can know about other things. It's a matter of priority.

Myself? I'm ok knowing there's others out there that can do the things I do better than I can...but I dare to find even one that can do them ALL better. That belief is what helps keep my ego balanced. I can help it grow, make it stronger, without letting it get the better of me. Just as with a child, whipping your ego won't help any more than over-feeding it. Confidence comes from knowing your strengths AND weaknesses. One cannot be over-sensitive to criticism (internal or external) and expect to live a healthy and fulfilling life.

I know several people who suffer from depression. Some worse than others. I've not experienced it to the same extent, but I do know what it feels like. It's kinda like your ego gets a stomach virus...no matter how gentle you are with it, no matter how little you feed it at a time, it all comes right back up. Antidepressants are just like the stuff the doctors give for easing the nausea...they help, but they can't cure. It's a virus...you can't cure it (yet)! All you can do is use the time your ego is healthy to feed it. It'll get sick again, but keep it healthy when you can and it won't stay sick as long or feel quite as bad. A weird analogy, perhaps, but it fits...and I've seen it work!

My best friend is a perfect example. She went from the "cranky bag-lady bean-counter" to the "eccentric and opinionated artist". She still won't let her ego outside, but it's at least no longer locked in the basement! I can even hear it playing around inside sometimes when she's not paying attention. (wow...that kid analogy really does work here!!!)

I've been trying to feed my ego more often, but it's had a head-cold lately. Apparently the changing weather affects it as it does the rest of me...

The point is, I'm damn good at what I do. I'm not the best at everything, but what fun would that be? Life without challenge is pointless and boring. I just know that, when I really want to, I do great things. Yay me! (ok, you can stop laughing now...my ego's still sleeping off that cold...you'll wake him up and I won't be able to get anything done)

Wow...I have GOT to post more often...that was a lot!

*Note: I did not say "all" women, nor is my experience intended to represent gospel truth. Just sayin'...

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There's nothing like a deadline on the horizon to get one motivated to work quickly...but what if you have several? I have a ton of work to do (3 laptops, two desktops, and at least one remote access request, not to mention the random housecall/office visit), bills coming due, needing to find new residence by next week (as in "done deal, here's the keys, start moving"), and all the "paperwork" that follows (contacting utilities, etc to transfer service, updating my clients, mail forwarding...and on and on). I have one place lined up and all MY stuff is in order (regarding the application process)...but the owner of the condo is "unavailable". WHAT!?!?!?!?!?! Yep...even his people don't seem to know where he is. Either they're screwing around, waiting for a better offer, or the guy is...well, there's just no way to know.

I just hate that it's "crunch time" and my hands are tied. It seems that there's very little available to rent (within my price range) that's not an apartment. I swore if I moved again, I wouldn't sign another TAA lease. If this new place falls through, either I'm going to eat those words, or swallow my pride (again) and put everything non-essential into storage and get an "extended stay" room somewhere. Could be a problem if they don't allow pets...

My kneck and back are in knots. The pain isn't debilitating, but it sure makes driving and hunching over a keyboard fun! Thankfully, a friend of mine who specializes in massage therapy (and teaches classes on it) is just coming back from a road trip. He really helped a LOT last time. At that time, I couldn't even tilt my head back more than maybe 10deg (not to mention the other axes of rotation). Right after his work, I could go 20-30deg. By the time I drove home, I could rest it all the way back. The man knows his trade...

Of course, I have all the other physical signs of stress, but no reason to detail them here...if you've ever had stress bad enough to affect you physically, you know what I mean.

Ok...finishing laundry, gonna take a shower, then back to work. My good-friend-slash-bookkeeper will be showing up in a while to help organize and pack the office for relocation, so that will help. Need to figure out what services I'll be transferring and which I'll be canceling or changing providers. I also think I'll be switching to a "Ramen and..." diet. Ramen and chicken, ramen and tuna...you get the picture. It's less to do with affording and more to do with spending as little as possible. Too much fast food and I don't have the patience to come up with a new recipe every day for dinner. I'm lucky if I remember to eat at all some days...which is bad as low blood sugar makes my brain fuzzy, slowing the work process. Been trying to have friends help, but since most of them are employed (as in an actual job), they aren't as available. Heck, those now unemployed due to the economy are even less available as they work time-and-a-half finding new jobs.

My goal this year is to get ahead. I'm already working on new strategies and plans to bring in more income and just need time and focus to implement. The economy is responsible for everyone (more or less) "trimming the fat" to make their money last longer...I just need to make sure the work I do is considered "meat" (in keeping with the analogy). You trim the non-essentials. I just need to make sure I stay off that list!

Two things I need to add to my standard work practices:

1) Inventory clients' current setups. I've already started doing this, but it's still taking a conscious effort and it needs to be automatic. This information, of course, is to be referred to on future calls and for making suggestions on upgrades...though, said upgrades must make economical sense...even a tech-junkie like me needs a good reason to buy a new piece of equipment or program.

2) Never let a good client go unchecked for more than six months. Ideally, this would be three, but I have a lot of catching up to do. The fact is, most people will run into a problem, but unless it's a terminal issue, they just deal with it and decide to contact me "later". Unfortunately, that decision can come back to haunt them. Waiting generally has the effect of exacerbating the problem, having them down longer, and makes my job harder (thus taking longer and costing more...which is not economical!) Many times when I call to check in or follow up I'll hear "oh, good...I've been meaning to call you...". The obvious question is "so why didn't you?" Well, the answer is just as obvious: "It wasn't a priority." So, I need to make it MY priority.

For anyone who reads this and uses my services..first of all, THANK YOU! Now, think of how long it's been since my last visit. Chances are, you're due for a checkup at the least. Whether the case or not, my biggest source of advertising is you! I rely so heavily on referrals, it's almost silly. Google and Yahoo! Local are both a great help, by my best new clients are usually referrals from existing ones. And yes...I admit...it's good for my ego. :p

I know this is supposed to be my "personal" journal, but my business is so integrated into my daily life, I just need to accept that I can't separate the two. Good thing I like my job!

So, stress may be high, funds may be low...but I'm nowhere near done. I'm hanging by a thread above a long, fast fall downward, but I've got a death-grip on that thread and I refuse to just hang there. It hurts, but I'm climbing out of this pit, whatever it takes...and I'll do it with my integrity intact. Find me a modern corporate CEO who can say that (with a straight face)!

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Alright, I put my 60-days notice to vacate in with my apartment complex. Ok, actually, I did that at the end of January. That means I've got 30 days to find a place, get a mortgage/sign a lease, make sure it's actually all set to go, and move. Of course, that also means calling all the utilities, change of address, etc, etc, etc.

My car has also about had it. It needs more work than I can afford to have done, but finding a "new" car I can also afford isn't going a whole lot better. So far, I'm liking the Hyundai Elantra, but finding a dealership that has one I want and can make payments on isn't going great. Lesson learned: stick to your guns on a price range and be willing to accept the higher end of that range. Let them talk you up, and you'll feel insulted when they come within cents of that highest end number. I did that and have no car to show for it. Yeah, seems common-sense now, but stress does funny things to one's ability to think clearly. At least I was "with it" enough to walk away when I realized they'd decided I was being too cheap (or poor...truth being I'm just stretched a bit thin right now).

The good news is there may be a way around both issues! Going to contact an agent today about a nice place in Richardson that, though a little smaller than the others being considered, it's still bigger than where I am, and it's a purchase house! My biggest hurdle is a down payment. I have no savings, so I'll need to apply for first-time-home-buyer assistance. Thing is, I need to know where I'm going for sure first, then I have no idea how long the process takes. All I know is that if I can get this place, it let's me spread out a bit, gives me an actual house, and since payments would be the same or less than my current rent, I may be able to be a bit more flexible on the car (tho I really wanted the car done first).

Anyway, this week will be insane...car-hunting, house-hunting, work-hunting, and time-scrounging for things like friends, relaxation, and coursework (yes, still in school...degrees don't grow on trees, and all that). We'll see how long I can keep it up. I seriously don't know how single parents do it...I'm struggling enough without kids! Props to them. I'd have snapped by now (or so it feels...just amazes me).

Let me be clear, however...my venting is NOT complaining! Plenty have it a lot rougher than I. That doesn't diminish my own stress, but I'm just venting here. I'll get through it...I always do one way or another. Luckily, I have lots of support between friends, family, and awesome clients that give me just the (ego) boost I need once in a while. Things are slow money-wise, sure, but I just need to not let it get to me, do what needs to be done, and keep moving forward. As long as I do that, things will fall into place...at least, eventually. You don't have to believe that...I do. Hey, it's worked so far!

Ok, time to get to it!

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As a rule, I abhor politics. It's the ultimate catch-22 and inherently broken, but that's sadly why it works. By it's very nature, it encompasses and embraces human nature. It shows both the great strength and fundamental fallacy of our base need to feel in control while being controlled. Our elections give us a choice...but that choice is strongly narrowed for us by the parties system. That very system is the only way we have of funding and getting exposure for the candidates that are to be put forth as our leaders. How sad is it that the only way someone outside the system could compete is by spending more money than any one person should ever reasonably have access to in a non-commercial capacity? Those that have said funds aren't particularly inclined to bother running, as their too busy making more money. Can't say I blame them there...

We watch all the debates, see the mud-slinging ad campaigns, and cheer/jeer each of them like armchair quarterbacks. The difference is, we get to change the players every few years, but in the end, what has changed? The delayed successes of the old are claimed by or attributed to the new, while all failures are blamed on the old. Each new "regime" does the same thing. Every election year we hear about "corruption" and "change"...at what point do we stop listening to the SAME OLD RHETORIC and look past the pandering and slander to the actual causes and real, feasible fixes that can't in and of themselves be considered "typical" for a particular party line.

Debates are a good way to gauge how candidates handle themselves under particular circumstances, but historically, they've served only as verbal gladiatorial battles in which nobody dies...so they can come back and do it again. That's the real purpose...to entertain the masses and give both sides plenty to argue about until the next debate. If it were really about truth, honesty, and informing the public, these debates would be fact-checked and a "post-game" breakdown would be held, just like in much of the pro sports world. "Plays" broken down, bad calls or outright lies squashed right there, after the debate. Unfortunately, that's just not what the people want, as has been demonstrated decade after decade.

I suppose that it's all so transparent, it shouldn't matter...we all know that when it's all over, they say some nice things and life goes on. This year is no different. McCain just raised the bar on concession speeches, but it doesn't change what was said. At least it showed that he (I believe) had never wanted that kind of campaign, but his party, his campaign manager, and his more fervent supporters made it clear they wanted blood. After getting booed by his own crowd a month or so ago, and again on election night FOR SHOWING RESPECT TO HIS OPPONENT, it's no wonder things got nasty. Obama was also respectful in many cases, but I never got the impression he cared one way or another how his campaign ran.

Don't misunderstand...I think he honestly does care about the country and am neither angry nor sad he won. In fact, I hope he truly is and does everything he said. As Guilianni said..."if he fails, we all fail". I like to consider myself a moderate with conservative leanings, so a Democrat in office isn't that big a deal to me in and of itself. Honestly, with all Hell breaking loose across the GOP after their HUGE losses Tuesday, I gotta say I'm somewhat glad they lost. No party should get so complacent that they self-destruct like that...especially when the outcome was so predictable. Then again, I think they not only knew, they helped it by sabotaging McCain, not to mention how they apparently treated Palin.

Well, regardless of all that, now that the Big Fight is over and a decisive winner declared, perhaps things can settle down and we can all stop bickering and fighting amongst ourselves. Not counting on it, but a man can dream..

Well, the idea was to catch up everything from the past few months, but with today barely started, I've already got plenty.

First off, my phone has been ringing pretty constantly today. This is a good thing, but it's hard to keep up, at the moment. The thing is, I'm just not with it today, and I wish I knew why. I don't know if my meds just stopped working, or what, but it feels like everyone is talking 100MPH while I'm just trying to catch glimpses of what's being said. This is quite frustrating. I have two scheduled jobs today (on the first now, waiting for a process to finish), another I need to try to fit in, and yet another I need to schedule. I'm happy about the business, but my lazy-ass brain is starting to really make things difficult. Guess I need to go see my doc, but when??? Well, I'll figure it out. Time to get back to the grind.